11 posts tagged “trent reznor”

The title of this post is important because, not only is it a reoccuring theme, but without my glasses I can pretty much only see blobby figures and guess at who's who.

For breakfast I had two Immodiums. My stomach turned the entire time and the last thing I wanted was to have explosive diarrhea in front of Trent. I brought an extra blister pack of them with me just in case as well.

In fact, I remembered everything I was supposed to except my glasses. Know why? I didn't put them on my list. I figured I would easily remember needing the ability to SEE but I didn't. I didn't remember them until we were there and I was waiting out amongst the crowd and wondered "Why is everyone so blurry? ... ... ... Fuuuuuuck!"

Apparently Jeff was there, who was one of the heros at the Philly show. I couldn't see him not only because I had no eyes but also because I'm so fucking small and couldn't see over anyone. Vic said he blew me a kiss. So Jeff... *kissies back* I'm just too small.

I'm sure I looked like a tool outside, shivering with my hot pink fuzzy muppet-looking blanket and squinting at everyone. But I don't care. I was freezing. I also was still trying to not shit my pants.

The wait outside was suprisingly calming. Nothing was happening. It was cold. Hundreds of others were all in the same boat. It helped my nerves.

It seemed to take forever to get inside the warm but let me just say... Wasn't the woman checking everyone in and organizing simply the best?? I love her! Kudos to you, organizer lady whose name I didn't get.

Once inside panic hit and I probably said "oh my god" 45 times. I bitched about not being able to see some more. Then I decided it's probably for the best that I can't clearly see him so I don't freak out. I felt as if I'll vomit at any moment and my heart was leaping.

One group went before us and when it was our turn I said to Vic "I can't do this". He told me how I'll be fine. We enter the room and there's a maroon/red curtain and I know he's just beyond it. I breath. I take a moment. It doesn't help.

We turn the corner and there he is at this black table. Relaxed. I say to Vic again how I can't do this. He puts his hand on my shoulder and says "Yes you can. Come on." As we're moving he's encouraging me because I keep hesitating. Lots of "You're okay. You're doing just fine. You're alright."

Robin was first and I apologized to him because I had nothing for him to sign. He was amazingly kind, grabbed my hand and said it's nice to meet me. Small talk happened that I don't entirely remember. I know I told him and Justin that this was my 10th show.

Let me quickly interrupt myself and say how awesome Justin and Robin both are. I was a complete mess and the two of them with their calming energy and smiles and laughs helped greatly. I mean GREATLY. Had Trent been first, I don't know that I would have been able to speak.

Trent had finished speaking with the person before me and looked at me. I breathed and said "Hi Trent" calmly, without a studder or high squeal. Vic handed him my copy of TDS that I had since I'm 15. I asked him "Is it possible for you to hug me?"

I chose those words carefully. For HIM to hug ME. The reason is, because of my SMA I do not have the ability to lift my arms to hug him back. It's a fairly obvious thing once you meet me but I still wanted him to be aware, even if in a roundabout way, that this would be a physically one sided hug on his part but not without the connection that only hugs have.

He replied "Absolutely (or sure, or no problem, something). I'll just come around."

He proceeded to sign my CD, carefully, in no hurry. Vic leaned over to him and said "She doesn't want me to tell you this but your music... " and I didn't quite hear what else he said because I was "nonononono"ing too much. Trent smiled, along with Justin, and I said "That just sounds dorky. *smile* No. I just wanted to thank you for all you've done."

He slid my CD towards Vic and got up and walked around the table to me. This blobby figure (I forgot my glasses!!) headed right towards me and he became clearer and clearer. I suspect I probably just had a silly smile. I don't really know.

He opened his arms wide, bent down and swallowed my small frame in his arms. There was no more me because I was inside him and his puffy jacket. He squeezed me tightly, tighter than I expected and I let out a little squeek/sigh/happy sound of sorts. I don't know what it was exactly but it wasn't an embarrassing noise, thankfully.

He held on to me much longer than the average hug. This was a good 5 seconds of connection, all on his part since he did the physical labor of the hug. Vic tried to snap a photo of it but didn't capture the full-on hug, just the lean-in.

I breathed it in. My head was right in that moment and not worrying about a single thing. The feeling of his squeeze, being ingulfed by him, his breathing, the connection, the love. It was absolutely the best hug of my entire life.

He let go and I thanked him again. I think he thanked me as well but I can't remember. I looked straight and there was Vic and I went right over to him (forgetting about Ilan). Vic wrapped me in his arms and I started to shake. Tears came but never flowed down. Vic teared up, having just witnessed my greatest moment.

We watched him sign and shake hands with the rest of the group. There were no hugs during it. I was the only one. It was then that I realized I forgot about Ilan and felt terrible for it. They really should keep Trent on the end so that doesn't happen to the poor kid again.

It was the most relaxed, chill room. People spoke softly when they were done and took photos respectfully from the side while he signed.

When he finished I hear my name. I was behind the crowd at this point. People parted and I saw Brett, who remembered me from Philly. I got a photo with him. Apparently I was beckoned because I'm to be in the middle of the group photo. Trent stands, walks on front of me, we smile and he stands to my right. I hear his low voice speaking to others around him. I wasn't looking at him at all. I was looking towards Brett who had the camera. Suddenly this soft, low monotone voice hovered right by my ear says "Can I put my hand on your shoulder?" I think Duh, yeah but I say "Yeah, sure."

With his hand on my shoulder I try not to shake. I get all super fucking Eckhart and live this moment just as I did his hug. I smile for the camera but all of my focus is on his hand. His hand on me. His finger twitched. There was no squeezing. I just smiled like a douchebag (and I look EVIL from the red eye that won't go away!).

Photo taken and people are to file out. A lot are stopping to hug him and I can see none are as long as mine. I'm sure they all have the same connection though. As he hugs, he looks at me over someone's shoulder. I say "Thank you, Trent" and a nod and smirk from him. And out I went, thanking Brett and Leo on the way.

Soundcheck was just as everyone says soundcheck goes. They only did two songs because "there was too much hugging and not enough soundchecking". I was front and center because of the kindness of a redheaded woman in a corset.

After, we filed out and I told coordinater lady what a fantastic job she has done. She really was amazing with everyone.

I wait in the lobby while Vic goes over to will call to pick up the free twitter tickets I won. I anxiously wait for Bean, Dee and Gregg to arrive because they have my glasses. When they arrive, I experience the glory of being able to see again. Hugs all around. The story above is relived. The teenager complains about food, thus removing me from my moment.

I will not relive the show. Plenty of others can do that for me.

This morning, I admit, my back is a little sore. Whether it was from his squeeze or not, I do not know. It's a pain I'm happily taking though.

I said to Vic, "I can die now."

As far as I can see, all of my goals have been reached. It's sad, sure, but also SO satisfying to know that I could die tomorrow and everything has been accomplished. As of now, there is no unfinished business.

In this moment there's complete peace.

Have you ever had a dream that was seemingly impossible? A dream you wanted so badly that it was painful to think about? Have you planned, wished, prayed and nearly died for this dream?

Then did you finally reach the point where you release all that hope and want because it's just too exhausting? It seems too impossible but you aren't hurt by that realization. It's a relief to let it go...

And then the universe shifts and magically hands you all you ever wanted?

That happened to me yesterday.

When I was 19 I bought a dress. I spent $60 on the perfect dress for an occasion I knew would one day happen. I kept it in perfect condition. I never wore it because it was for one certain day.

Years passed. Every springtime when it became time for the annual closet cleaning, I would see the dress and it reminded me of it's purpose. I can't tell you how many times I thought about finally tossing it out. Still. There was a small voice that always said I had to keep it. Even if it was only as a reminder.

"Thats the dress I'm going to wear when I meet Trent Reznor."

I had no idea when I was 19 that I would be 30 when that dress would finally have it's chance. See, yesterday I won backstage passes for the June 5th show in Camden.

That dress though, it got me thinking...

Jim Carey wrote a check to himself for what? 10 million dollars when he was broke. Oprah bought those skinny jeans way back when and finally fit in them. People do law of attraction things all the time and it works. I, at 19, bought a dress with an intended purpose.

It saddens me a little that I won't be wearing that dress on that day. I'm far too old and my ass is far too wide for it now. It is a lovely dress though.

I am meeting him. Finally.

• Seeing NIN a ninth time is still just as special as the first time.
• This is the first time that I did not cry during the show.
• This is also the first time that I felt like I belonged in that audience.
• Philly left me feeling highly unwanted.
• Atlantic City left me feeling highly loved.
• I am still just one human away from Mr. Reznor.
• Always so close, still so far.
• I met a bunch of incredible people.
• I love them all.
• The post-show depression (PSD) is hitting me harder than ever.
• I blame it on not crying during the show.
• Stability wavers.

Oh, Mr Reznor, you sure know how to brighten this tiny little girl's day. Especially since I've been sick since my birthday and spent the better part of the day coughing up snot.

Because of a loving and brave old lady, one small 14 year old girl and one AMAZING protective stranger*... I was dead center in the front.

More @ Flickr.

*His name is Joe and I appreciate his existence more than I could say. There were many, many protective people surrounding me but Joe stands out for going above and beyond in the protective department. Special shout out to my small New Mexico resident named Monica. And a super "woo" to the security/people grabbers that constantly made sure no one kicked me in the head... especially bald dude who gave me an STP pick.

Posted on nin.com:

Lots going on in the world of nine inch nails...
Confirming a very poorly kept secret, the band has been reformed (details coming!) and we are about to embark on an extensive tour. The first wave of dates I can mention at this time appear below. Many more to come!
See you soon.

July 25 Pemberton BC Pemberton Festival
July 26 Seattle WA Key Arena at Seattle Center
July 28 Edmonton ALB Rexall Place
July 29 Calgary ALB Pengrowth Saddledome
July 31 Winnipeg MAN MTS Centre
August 2 Minneapolis MN Target Center
August 5 Toronto ONT Air Canada Centre
August 7 Uncasville CT Mohegan Sun Arena
August 8 Worcester MA DCU Center
August 12 Knoxville TN Knoxville Civic Coliseum
August 13 Duluth GA Gwinnett Arena
August 15 Oklahoma City OK Ford Center
August 16 Houston TX Toyota Center
August 18 Dallas TX American Airlines Center
August 20 Saint Louis MO Scottrade Center
August 22 Cleveland OH Quicken Loans Arena
August 23 Auburn Hills MI Palace of Auburn Hills
August 27 East Rutherford NJ Izod Center
August 29 Philadelphia PA Wachovia Center
August 31 Lexington KY Rupp Arena
September 2 Morrison CO Red Rocks Amphitheater
September 3 Salt Lake City UT The E Center Of West Valley
September 5 Oakland CA Oracle Arena (formerly Oakland Arena)
September 6 Inglewood CA The Forum

Couldn't you just poop with happiness? I'd like to know who's going to be going to the Philly and East Rutherford dates. I'm going to try to go to both. The Philly date is a definite AND it's the day before my birthday. My 30th birthday, to be exact. 30 on the 30th. It's like... some kind of sign.

From nin.com:

Niggy

Big news today!

As many of you know, I've been working closely with Saul Williams on his new record. We've spent many hours together in hotel rooms, busses, backstages and studios around the world working on something we knew was great. This is the most involved I've been with any project outside NIN since Antichrist Superstar, and I've been impatiently waiting for the chance for you to hear it.
Well... guess what?
The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of NiggyTardust! has arrived!
After my own recent dealings with record labels we decided to release it directly to you. Head over to www.niggytardust.com for all the details. Register now and you can download the record November 1st.
Working on this project was a real pleasure. Saul was interested in breaking boundaries / crossing genres / defying expectations and we learned a great deal from one another in the process. When asked about the sound of the record, I've had to resort to "... I really don't know HOW to describe it." That's a good thing more than ever these days.

A word on the way we've chosen to release this.
There are obvious similarities in how Radiohead just released their new record and the way we've chosen to. After thinking about this way too much, I feel we've improved upon their idea in a few profound ways that benefit you, the consumer. You obviously will be the judge of this in the end. One thing that IS very different in our situation is that Saul's not the household name (yet!) that Radiohead is, and that means we need your support on this more than ever. If you like what you hear, spread the word.

I hope you enjoy the music,

TR

I love this idea and already put in my pre-order. AND I paid the $5. I never listened to Saul Williams. He opened for NIN for one show I went to but I arrived late and missed him. But this concept? I support. I support it in a way that I didn't with Radiohead because... well, I hate Radiohead. I also look at purchasing something as a vote of sorts. I'd rather support the underdog than the pretentious rich assholes out there.

I've given it a week. I have had my copy of the CD for a week today. I haven't written a review because, not only am I bad at that sort of thing, but I also wanted to get in the proper listening time for it. I wanted to hear every blip and breath first before I made any rushed decision of what I thought.

I have been a fan of Nine Inch Nails since the early 90's. Teenager angst and all. Relating to the lyrics, the feeling. And as I grew up, the music grew up right with me. At every new release I worried beforehand that I wouldn't be able to relate anymore, that I had grown too much. But I was always wrong because the music was always, always right where I was. Year Zero is no different.

Like many fans, I listened to it on the stream on the website before I got my CD. I liked it. I enjoyed it. But I listened through shitty computer speakers and in doing so, it lacked... something. What, I didn't know until I got my CD.

The moment I put it in... the first few seconds of HYPEROWER, it became clear. This is not just music. It is art. It is beautiful chaos that tells a completely amazing story.

I have followed the ARG but probably not as closely as other fans. I know the story and it terrifies me. But there is SO much information to find and read and consume that I often feel left behind. So I take my time with it. I read slowly so I understand. The world he has created is absolutely brilliant and scary beyond words. The message is a wake up call. I do not want that to be my future. Wake up and give a shit? Yes, sir.

To me, the music is a small portion of what Year Zero is about. The music can tie it together, as more of a soundtrack to the bigger picture. Year Zero isn't an album, it's an experience. A wonderful, amazing experience.

I tried explaining this to a friend of mine, who didn't even know there was a new NIN album out. He was just going to download the music and give it a listen. And when I tried to explain that there was more to it than music and lyrics, that it was a story, an experience... well, he thought I lost my mind and dismissed me. And so he downloaded his crap versions of mp3's and said "wow, good song" while I screamed to myself "it's more than that!"

It saddens and frustrates me that not everyone will get it. There will be those people who will buy or download it and just think "good song" without understanding the story. They won't see the art, the brilliant planning behind it all. They won't appreciate it the way I (and others) do.

So to sum it up, my feelings on Year Zero? It is the most brilliant of all Trent's albums. It makes me feel and think in a way I never have. I love it so much that I am at a loss for words to even express it.

And that is my (super shitty) Year Zero review.

Some links for those not in the know:
Open Source Resistance
Ninwiki
Free Rebel Art
Year Zero

Look what I got early: