24 posts tagged “nine inch nails”

Seeing my last NIN show for the "foreseeable future" was a bittersweet, exciting, hurtful, sad and joyous experience. I had already accepted the fact that I already saw my last show in June, where I met Trent finally. Tickets for the NYC dates were impossible for me to grab no matter how many different times I tried. I figured the Universe wanted my last time to have been when I met him. The Universe had other plans.

Around Tuesday or so of last week Bean, Puff and I were discussing my birthday which is coming soon. I will be the ripe old age of 31 and just because I'm old doesn't mean that my mother has stopped planning surprises. I don't always like surprises on my birthday. Last year, because I turned 30, I made the plans. I saw NIN the day before and ate grilled cheese sandwiches the day of with my teenagers.

We discussed last year and I said how I didn't really want to do anything big. "But if she wants to do something than she can get me motherfucking tickets to one of the motherfucking NIN shows", said just off the top of my head knowing full well how impossible the tickets have been to get.

On Sunday there was a mysterious little box that had, apparently, been sitting on the table most of the day. Bean is the one who noticed it. With her help, the box was opened and up popped a note that said "YOU ARE GOING". Tears of joy, of course, happened. Then disbelief. Then... Nervousness.

My mother got the tickets from eBay which is a huge no-no in my book. Especially with these, which were ticket-less tickets and scammers could run wild. In the aftermath, all went well and I really had no reason to worry. Apparently, I am not the only one who is able to handle ticket grabbing.

The drive was long. The traffic in the tunnel sucked but there was hardly anything that could spoil the happy. During the ride I thought about each show, all 11 of them and just how prepared I was that I already saw my last show in June. This show was a new monster. The unexpected last goodbye. One last roll in the hay with a lover who is leaving me. This one was to be my closure.

We arrived and met up with Mr. eBay Seller Dude. I was to have this pretty, pretty princess silver sparkly star with me so he'd know who we were. We had no problem getting in and once inside I couldn't give two shits where the handicapped area was, I was just so happy to be there. We learned my area was directly on the left side of the stage on the safe side of the barricade. My view was ridiculously awesome. I was right at the front where the surfers would stumble out from and had a clear view of Mr. Reznor in all his muscular glory.

While I was taking in my view, Vic was going to grab a drink and a shirt for me. It was then that my fellow Twitter/Blog friend, Al, got my attention. I said to him earlier that if he sees me to come say hello but didn't really expect much. In my experience, I usually have to sit in nosebleeds and all of the fun people are miles away on the floor. But there he was and I was down there with him, just in the safe zone.

I have to say, it really made my night that he was right there. My whole (NIN) life none of my friends have been into this band. Vic tolerates it because he loves me but he couldn't give a shit about them. With Al there it was like I had an ally. Sure, a big crowd of NIN fans but... usually they all make me feel like an outcast. They aren't really the friendliest group of people and here's me, weird awkward little thing with an old man who talks a little too much. Al doesn't have that snooty air about him. And his sister is just awesome. It was nice to be by them but I'd have to leave them in order to see because of my smallness.

The details of the show and the setlist (**) is fairly unimportant to me. When Trent came out I had the reaction I always do... awe. He sang and my eyes welled up, knowing that this IS it. As the show continued, I suddenly realized that I met that man. He put his arms around me and healed my soul. The rest of the show then became something else.

He was leaving. He is giving this up. My attention went to the crowd, which I am part of, and felt their love for him. I noticed Mariqueen right above his head on the balcony, watching, taking photos, existing, waiting for her man to get done working. When you really look, you see just what he is giving up. It couldn't have been a spur of the moment decision. I hope people realize that.

During the quiet songs random people would shout "Thank You, Trent". Yelling during those moments would usually annoy me but I teared up every single time. I felt it with them. Thankful. For him. For this. All of it. The past 16 years of my life... I was thankful and they just happened to say it.

His final song was Hurt. A song which exists in every ounce of who I am. Every show that he has played it, I have sobbed through it. I was right there. Right with him. His voice broke. My tears came. I was 15 again, seeing my first show and this was the song he closed with. A fitting ending for me. More shouts of "Thank You" and more tears. A wave goodbye and it was over.

I turned and saw Al. This was the other side, the after. What I really wanted was a blankie and to curl up and cry on the floor right there. Instead, I did my best to compose myself so I don't look like a complete asshole in front of someone I really only just met. It's bad enough I had a pretty, pretty princess wand with me. Add sobbing like a douchebag and he'd surely never speak to me again.

Al and his sister both went up to Leo and got two of Justin's picks. I waited for them so I could say goodbye. Al's sister handed me her's and Al said "I have one and you have one!" and I thought, but didn't say, "Awww! Best Friends ForEVER!!" I thanked his sister. She didn't have to. I adore kindness.

We filed out, slowly, and I don't remember much talking around me besides Vic. Perhaps I was too in my head to notice. Once out, reality came back in the form of three bitchy females waiting for us. Apparently, they did not have fun in the city.

My post-show depression seemed to be sever but is now on hold because I have contracted the NINcooties. Everyone I know who was at the show is now ill in some way. Good times.

** Side notes:
• Because of my location I kept moving for Mr. Rob Sheridan so he could pass and not trip on me.
• I witnessed Mr. Rob Sheridan get a swift kick to the back of the head by some ignorant fuck going over the rail who didn't even try to apologize.
• There was a very weird little bald man around me. Very, very weird. I ignored him.
• I was hug attacked by a girl I know from the Philly and HOB shows after she body surfed.
• I found out after that one of my Philly heros was there and caught Trent's tambourine. I wish I got to see him and am thrilled that he was the one who caught it.

The title of this post is important because, not only is it a reoccuring theme, but without my glasses I can pretty much only see blobby figures and guess at who's who.

For breakfast I had two Immodiums. My stomach turned the entire time and the last thing I wanted was to have explosive diarrhea in front of Trent. I brought an extra blister pack of them with me just in case as well.

In fact, I remembered everything I was supposed to except my glasses. Know why? I didn't put them on my list. I figured I would easily remember needing the ability to SEE but I didn't. I didn't remember them until we were there and I was waiting out amongst the crowd and wondered "Why is everyone so blurry? ... ... ... Fuuuuuuck!"

Apparently Jeff was there, who was one of the heros at the Philly show. I couldn't see him not only because I had no eyes but also because I'm so fucking small and couldn't see over anyone. Vic said he blew me a kiss. So Jeff... *kissies back* I'm just too small.

I'm sure I looked like a tool outside, shivering with my hot pink fuzzy muppet-looking blanket and squinting at everyone. But I don't care. I was freezing. I also was still trying to not shit my pants.

The wait outside was suprisingly calming. Nothing was happening. It was cold. Hundreds of others were all in the same boat. It helped my nerves.

It seemed to take forever to get inside the warm but let me just say... Wasn't the woman checking everyone in and organizing simply the best?? I love her! Kudos to you, organizer lady whose name I didn't get.

Once inside panic hit and I probably said "oh my god" 45 times. I bitched about not being able to see some more. Then I decided it's probably for the best that I can't clearly see him so I don't freak out. I felt as if I'll vomit at any moment and my heart was leaping.

One group went before us and when it was our turn I said to Vic "I can't do this". He told me how I'll be fine. We enter the room and there's a maroon/red curtain and I know he's just beyond it. I breath. I take a moment. It doesn't help.

We turn the corner and there he is at this black table. Relaxed. I say to Vic again how I can't do this. He puts his hand on my shoulder and says "Yes you can. Come on." As we're moving he's encouraging me because I keep hesitating. Lots of "You're okay. You're doing just fine. You're alright."

Robin was first and I apologized to him because I had nothing for him to sign. He was amazingly kind, grabbed my hand and said it's nice to meet me. Small talk happened that I don't entirely remember. I know I told him and Justin that this was my 10th show.

Let me quickly interrupt myself and say how awesome Justin and Robin both are. I was a complete mess and the two of them with their calming energy and smiles and laughs helped greatly. I mean GREATLY. Had Trent been first, I don't know that I would have been able to speak.

Trent had finished speaking with the person before me and looked at me. I breathed and said "Hi Trent" calmly, without a studder or high squeal. Vic handed him my copy of TDS that I had since I'm 15. I asked him "Is it possible for you to hug me?"

I chose those words carefully. For HIM to hug ME. The reason is, because of my SMA I do not have the ability to lift my arms to hug him back. It's a fairly obvious thing once you meet me but I still wanted him to be aware, even if in a roundabout way, that this would be a physically one sided hug on his part but not without the connection that only hugs have.

He replied "Absolutely (or sure, or no problem, something). I'll just come around."

He proceeded to sign my CD, carefully, in no hurry. Vic leaned over to him and said "She doesn't want me to tell you this but your music... " and I didn't quite hear what else he said because I was "nonononono"ing too much. Trent smiled, along with Justin, and I said "That just sounds dorky. *smile* No. I just wanted to thank you for all you've done."

He slid my CD towards Vic and got up and walked around the table to me. This blobby figure (I forgot my glasses!!) headed right towards me and he became clearer and clearer. I suspect I probably just had a silly smile. I don't really know.

He opened his arms wide, bent down and swallowed my small frame in his arms. There was no more me because I was inside him and his puffy jacket. He squeezed me tightly, tighter than I expected and I let out a little squeek/sigh/happy sound of sorts. I don't know what it was exactly but it wasn't an embarrassing noise, thankfully.

He held on to me much longer than the average hug. This was a good 5 seconds of connection, all on his part since he did the physical labor of the hug. Vic tried to snap a photo of it but didn't capture the full-on hug, just the lean-in.

I breathed it in. My head was right in that moment and not worrying about a single thing. The feeling of his squeeze, being ingulfed by him, his breathing, the connection, the love. It was absolutely the best hug of my entire life.

He let go and I thanked him again. I think he thanked me as well but I can't remember. I looked straight and there was Vic and I went right over to him (forgetting about Ilan). Vic wrapped me in his arms and I started to shake. Tears came but never flowed down. Vic teared up, having just witnessed my greatest moment.

We watched him sign and shake hands with the rest of the group. There were no hugs during it. I was the only one. It was then that I realized I forgot about Ilan and felt terrible for it. They really should keep Trent on the end so that doesn't happen to the poor kid again.

It was the most relaxed, chill room. People spoke softly when they were done and took photos respectfully from the side while he signed.

When he finished I hear my name. I was behind the crowd at this point. People parted and I saw Brett, who remembered me from Philly. I got a photo with him. Apparently I was beckoned because I'm to be in the middle of the group photo. Trent stands, walks on front of me, we smile and he stands to my right. I hear his low voice speaking to others around him. I wasn't looking at him at all. I was looking towards Brett who had the camera. Suddenly this soft, low monotone voice hovered right by my ear says "Can I put my hand on your shoulder?" I think Duh, yeah but I say "Yeah, sure."

With his hand on my shoulder I try not to shake. I get all super fucking Eckhart and live this moment just as I did his hug. I smile for the camera but all of my focus is on his hand. His hand on me. His finger twitched. There was no squeezing. I just smiled like a douchebag (and I look EVIL from the red eye that won't go away!).

Photo taken and people are to file out. A lot are stopping to hug him and I can see none are as long as mine. I'm sure they all have the same connection though. As he hugs, he looks at me over someone's shoulder. I say "Thank you, Trent" and a nod and smirk from him. And out I went, thanking Brett and Leo on the way.

Soundcheck was just as everyone says soundcheck goes. They only did two songs because "there was too much hugging and not enough soundchecking". I was front and center because of the kindness of a redheaded woman in a corset.

After, we filed out and I told coordinater lady what a fantastic job she has done. She really was amazing with everyone.

I wait in the lobby while Vic goes over to will call to pick up the free twitter tickets I won. I anxiously wait for Bean, Dee and Gregg to arrive because they have my glasses. When they arrive, I experience the glory of being able to see again. Hugs all around. The story above is relived. The teenager complains about food, thus removing me from my moment.

I will not relive the show. Plenty of others can do that for me.

This morning, I admit, my back is a little sore. Whether it was from his squeeze or not, I do not know. It's a pain I'm happily taking though.

I said to Vic, "I can die now."

As far as I can see, all of my goals have been reached. It's sad, sure, but also SO satisfying to know that I could die tomorrow and everything has been accomplished. As of now, there is no unfinished business.

In this moment there's complete peace.

Have you ever had a dream that was seemingly impossible? A dream you wanted so badly that it was painful to think about? Have you planned, wished, prayed and nearly died for this dream?

Then did you finally reach the point where you release all that hope and want because it's just too exhausting? It seems too impossible but you aren't hurt by that realization. It's a relief to let it go...

And then the universe shifts and magically hands you all you ever wanted?

That happened to me yesterday.

When I was 19 I bought a dress. I spent $60 on the perfect dress for an occasion I knew would one day happen. I kept it in perfect condition. I never wore it because it was for one certain day.

Years passed. Every springtime when it became time for the annual closet cleaning, I would see the dress and it reminded me of it's purpose. I can't tell you how many times I thought about finally tossing it out. Still. There was a small voice that always said I had to keep it. Even if it was only as a reminder.

"Thats the dress I'm going to wear when I meet Trent Reznor."

I had no idea when I was 19 that I would be 30 when that dress would finally have it's chance. See, yesterday I won backstage passes for the June 5th show in Camden.

That dress though, it got me thinking...

Jim Carey wrote a check to himself for what? 10 million dollars when he was broke. Oprah bought those skinny jeans way back when and finally fit in them. People do law of attraction things all the time and it works. I, at 19, bought a dress with an intended purpose.

It saddens me a little that I won't be wearing that dress on that day. I'm far too old and my ass is far too wide for it now. It is a lovely dress though.

I am meeting him. Finally.

• Seeing NIN a ninth time is still just as special as the first time.
• This is the first time that I did not cry during the show.
• This is also the first time that I felt like I belonged in that audience.
• Philly left me feeling highly unwanted.
• Atlantic City left me feeling highly loved.
• I am still just one human away from Mr. Reznor.
• Always so close, still so far.
• I met a bunch of incredible people.
• I love them all.
• The post-show depression (PSD) is hitting me harder than ever.
• I blame it on not crying during the show.
• Stability wavers.

What are you looking forward to this week?

Two... yes, TWO (!!!) Nine Inch Nails shows.

And... turning 30.

I have finally accepted the number of years I have lived.

Because of a loving and brave old lady, one small 14 year old girl and one AMAZING protective stranger*... I was dead center in the front.

More @ Flickr.

*His name is Joe and I appreciate his existence more than I could say. There were many, many protective people surrounding me but Joe stands out for going above and beyond in the protective department. Special shout out to my small New Mexico resident named Monica. And a super "woo" to the security/people grabbers that constantly made sure no one kicked me in the head... especially bald dude who gave me an STP pick.

Show us the last thing you bought.