19 posts tagged “nin”

Seeing my last NIN show for the "foreseeable future" was a bittersweet, exciting, hurtful, sad and joyous experience. I had already accepted the fact that I already saw my last show in June, where I met Trent finally. Tickets for the NYC dates were impossible for me to grab no matter how many different times I tried. I figured the Universe wanted my last time to have been when I met him. The Universe had other plans.

Around Tuesday or so of last week Bean, Puff and I were discussing my birthday which is coming soon. I will be the ripe old age of 31 and just because I'm old doesn't mean that my mother has stopped planning surprises. I don't always like surprises on my birthday. Last year, because I turned 30, I made the plans. I saw NIN the day before and ate grilled cheese sandwiches the day of with my teenagers.

We discussed last year and I said how I didn't really want to do anything big. "But if she wants to do something than she can get me motherfucking tickets to one of the motherfucking NIN shows", said just off the top of my head knowing full well how impossible the tickets have been to get.

On Sunday there was a mysterious little box that had, apparently, been sitting on the table most of the day. Bean is the one who noticed it. With her help, the box was opened and up popped a note that said "YOU ARE GOING". Tears of joy, of course, happened. Then disbelief. Then... Nervousness.

My mother got the tickets from eBay which is a huge no-no in my book. Especially with these, which were ticket-less tickets and scammers could run wild. In the aftermath, all went well and I really had no reason to worry. Apparently, I am not the only one who is able to handle ticket grabbing.

The drive was long. The traffic in the tunnel sucked but there was hardly anything that could spoil the happy. During the ride I thought about each show, all 11 of them and just how prepared I was that I already saw my last show in June. This show was a new monster. The unexpected last goodbye. One last roll in the hay with a lover who is leaving me. This one was to be my closure.

We arrived and met up with Mr. eBay Seller Dude. I was to have this pretty, pretty princess silver sparkly star with me so he'd know who we were. We had no problem getting in and once inside I couldn't give two shits where the handicapped area was, I was just so happy to be there. We learned my area was directly on the left side of the stage on the safe side of the barricade. My view was ridiculously awesome. I was right at the front where the surfers would stumble out from and had a clear view of Mr. Reznor in all his muscular glory.

While I was taking in my view, Vic was going to grab a drink and a shirt for me. It was then that my fellow Twitter/Blog friend, Al, got my attention. I said to him earlier that if he sees me to come say hello but didn't really expect much. In my experience, I usually have to sit in nosebleeds and all of the fun people are miles away on the floor. But there he was and I was down there with him, just in the safe zone.

I have to say, it really made my night that he was right there. My whole (NIN) life none of my friends have been into this band. Vic tolerates it because he loves me but he couldn't give a shit about them. With Al there it was like I had an ally. Sure, a big crowd of NIN fans but... usually they all make me feel like an outcast. They aren't really the friendliest group of people and here's me, weird awkward little thing with an old man who talks a little too much. Al doesn't have that snooty air about him. And his sister is just awesome. It was nice to be by them but I'd have to leave them in order to see because of my smallness.

The details of the show and the setlist (**) is fairly unimportant to me. When Trent came out I had the reaction I always do... awe. He sang and my eyes welled up, knowing that this IS it. As the show continued, I suddenly realized that I met that man. He put his arms around me and healed my soul. The rest of the show then became something else.

He was leaving. He is giving this up. My attention went to the crowd, which I am part of, and felt their love for him. I noticed Mariqueen right above his head on the balcony, watching, taking photos, existing, waiting for her man to get done working. When you really look, you see just what he is giving up. It couldn't have been a spur of the moment decision. I hope people realize that.

During the quiet songs random people would shout "Thank You, Trent". Yelling during those moments would usually annoy me but I teared up every single time. I felt it with them. Thankful. For him. For this. All of it. The past 16 years of my life... I was thankful and they just happened to say it.

His final song was Hurt. A song which exists in every ounce of who I am. Every show that he has played it, I have sobbed through it. I was right there. Right with him. His voice broke. My tears came. I was 15 again, seeing my first show and this was the song he closed with. A fitting ending for me. More shouts of "Thank You" and more tears. A wave goodbye and it was over.

I turned and saw Al. This was the other side, the after. What I really wanted was a blankie and to curl up and cry on the floor right there. Instead, I did my best to compose myself so I don't look like a complete asshole in front of someone I really only just met. It's bad enough I had a pretty, pretty princess wand with me. Add sobbing like a douchebag and he'd surely never speak to me again.

Al and his sister both went up to Leo and got two of Justin's picks. I waited for them so I could say goodbye. Al's sister handed me her's and Al said "I have one and you have one!" and I thought, but didn't say, "Awww! Best Friends ForEVER!!" I thanked his sister. She didn't have to. I adore kindness.

We filed out, slowly, and I don't remember much talking around me besides Vic. Perhaps I was too in my head to notice. Once out, reality came back in the form of three bitchy females waiting for us. Apparently, they did not have fun in the city.

My post-show depression seemed to be sever but is now on hold because I have contracted the NINcooties. Everyone I know who was at the show is now ill in some way. Good times.

** Side notes:
• Because of my location I kept moving for Mr. Rob Sheridan so he could pass and not trip on me.
• I witnessed Mr. Rob Sheridan get a swift kick to the back of the head by some ignorant fuck going over the rail who didn't even try to apologize.
• There was a very weird little bald man around me. Very, very weird. I ignored him.
• I was hug attacked by a girl I know from the Philly and HOB shows after she body surfed.
• I found out after that one of my Philly heros was there and caught Trent's tambourine. I wish I got to see him and am thrilled that he was the one who caught it.

• Seeing NIN a ninth time is still just as special as the first time.
• This is the first time that I did not cry during the show.
• This is also the first time that I felt like I belonged in that audience.
• Philly left me feeling highly unwanted.
• Atlantic City left me feeling highly loved.
• I am still just one human away from Mr. Reznor.
• Always so close, still so far.
• I met a bunch of incredible people.
• I love them all.
• The post-show depression (PSD) is hitting me harder than ever.
• I blame it on not crying during the show.
• Stability wavers.

So...

• I scored my HOB tickets easily through presale.
• We're moving into the new house in about two months.
• I've already begun to pack.
• In my packing/cleaning I found a notebook I kept in high school.
• I saved it thinking it would be fun to look at when I got old.
• I'm old now so I looked at it.
• Pathetic.
• I don't know who that girl is.
• I threw it out today.
• Letting go felt good and a little sad.
• I still have to let go of something.
• I'm finding it difficult to even begin.
• Erasing a human isn't easy.
• I've been putting it off for a year and 9 months.
• My hamster's one year birthday is coming up.
• What does one provide a spoiled rodent with for their first birthday?
• It's sure to be something pink.
• I want a new ipod nano.
• Pink, of course.
• Always, always pink.
• Antibiotics are amazing.
• But I am a little tired of being sick all the time.
• My brain has been consumed with all things NIN related as of late.
• My brain *should* be consumed with all things Dexter related.
• It just... isn't.
• I had a dream about Bean's boyfriend putting a giant crab on my head.
• While half asleep, I told him about it.
• He... thinks I'm weird.
• It's all part of my charm.
• I have about 900 things to redesign.
• I also have zero motivation.
• I'd rather listen to NIN and pack.
• I kinda don't think I fit in anywhere sometimes.
• But unlike my teenager self, I don't care anymore.
• I kinda like this "old" thing.
• I'm settling into it well.
• That's all I have.
• The world doesn't suck... much.
• I just have to do that one box that I fear will break my stability.
• Tomorrow.
  

Oh, Mr Reznor, you sure know how to brighten this tiny little girl's day. Especially since I've been sick since my birthday and spent the better part of the day coughing up snot.

http://www.echoingthesound.org/phpbbx/viewtopic.php?p=1557266#1557266
http://www.echoingthesound.org/phpbbx/viewtopic.php?p=1557459#1557459
http://www.echoingthesound.org/phpbbx/viewtopic.php?p=1558533#1558533
http://www.echoingthesound.org/phpbbx/viewtopic.php?p=1558591#1558591
http://www.echoingthesound.org/phpbbx/viewtopic.php?p=1558652#1558652

There has been some mild speculation and assumptions about my attendance at the NIN show in Philly. I am talked about on ETS by people who think they know what the deal was. They don't.

Let me begin by saying that 08.29.08 was my eighth NIN show, not my first. Eighth. My first show was in '96 when he toured with Bowie and you know where I was? Against the fucking rail. Off to the side and I was much smaller then, but I was against the rail. Eight shows in, I know what to expect. I know how it works. Of those 8 shows, I watched 6.5 of them either blocked by tall people too fucking rude to move or from a mile away in the bullshit handicapped sections designated at all the venues.

Two days before the Philly show, I attended the East Rutherford one. I had presale seat tickets that I TRADED for handicapped accessible seating. I TRADED my beautiful foiled presale tickets. The venue staff was MORE than kind to me. I was told to wait inside, not outside in the line with everyone else even though I was willing to. I'm always willing. I'm not some high and mighty ass that thinks they deserve special treatment. In fact, it kind of annoys me. While I was waiting, I happily listened to sound check through the door. I made friends with the venue staff also waiting around. Just before everyone was going to be let in, a bearded man came up to me and asked where I was sitting. I explained how I traded my tickets for something accessible and he told me "You shouldn't have done that. I would have found a better spot for you somewhere." Needless to say, I kicked my ass the rest of the night for doing the swap. Not only did I miss out on having a better seating arrangement, but I also lost out on being able to have pretty presale tickets to add to my collection.

When Philly came I had bought presale GA tickets. Because of what happened in East Rutherford, I was determined to NOT trade in my tickets and just deal with what came about when it was time. When I arrived at the box office the woman gave me a very hard time, saying wheelchairs are not allowed on the floor, that I HAVE to trade my tickets, that there is no elevator down and then refused to give them to me. The fact that she kept calling me "honey" did not help things.

I would like you to momentarily put yourself in my position. Remove the wheelchair fact... if someone was refusing to give YOU what you PAID for and telling YOU that you cannot go where you PAID to go, how would you react? I think most people would go insane. Few people would nod and smile through that. I told the woman, in the nicest way I could muster that I'm aware of the situation, but I PAID for GA tickets so she should give me what I paid for and that I'll deal with where I sit when I get inside. Tickets gotten, and so I wait again. Like East Rutherford, venue staff told me to wait inside and not out in the line with everyone else.

I had no plan. All I knew is that I did not want to trade these foiled tickets again for a piece of paper. I figured I'd get inside, get a wristband, ask around where I should go and end up in the back of the GA floor far from any action. We asked an event staff guy if there was an elevator inside to get down to the floor and he said "Oh yeah, when you go in, just take a right and it's by section 110." The bitch at the box office lied to me.

I was let in first and the wristband woman refused to give me a wristband despite my ticket saying GA on it. A mild argument ensues because, again, they do not want to give me what I PAID for. Again, ask yourself how you would react. Meanwhile, my 14 year old, 5', 100lbs niece WAS able to get a GA wristband even though she herself could be labeled as small and "helpless" in that crowd. No one gave a rats ass about her "safety" or any other small girl's safety. Meanwhile, I have a fucking metal barrier around me to protect me from getting crushed to death.

We go to speak to the event supervisors who simply keep repeating "No wheelchairs are allowed on the floor" and "You have to go to Guest Services". When asked why, they just said it's their "policy". When asked if I could sign a waiver, they refused. When asked if I had a cane and not a wheelchair would I be allowed down there, they shrugged their shoulders. When asked if there was an elevator that would be able to take me down to the floor, they said yes but I wasn't allowed to use it. Let me stress that I was NOT asking to be in the front. I was simply asking to be allowed down there, anywhere. Anyone who has ever been to any show knows that the back of the floor is always, always clear and safe. I have never once in my 30 years and 100+ shows ever seen a GA floor totally packed to the back with people.

Frustrated, we head to Guest Services, which is closed. The more the seconds tick, the more angry I become. They have the means to allow me to be where I PAID to be. I said I would sign anything they wanted me to sign so they would not be responsible if anything should happen. I look around and see the GA line forming inside. No one is being let in yet since sound check is still going on. I have a ballsy thought, "What if we just... go into the elevator and push down instead of up?" We walk around the arena to the elevator, security everywhere, no one stopped us. In the elevator, down is pushed. It opens into an underneath area/tunnel filled with equipment. I pass security on my way through and they do nothing but smile at me. I reach the GA floor where there is a simple movable metal barrier. I can see the stage. Sound check is still happening. Security is wandering, getting ready. I decided to just wait in the tunnel until everyone else starts to come in because it's the right thing to do. Justin Meldal-Johnsen passed me in the tunnel and did a smile/nod while we waited. Security saw me there and never asked me to leave.

People start filing in and I pass through the barrier. I pass security who are simply looking at wristbands. I quickly scan the people against the rail and see a strong looking guy and a tall girl. I ask if I can please squeeze between them since I'm short and they seemed to have no problem with it. It's then that I realize I am DIRECTLY in front of Trent's mic. I quickly recall my experience in Baltimore and how amazing it was, how loving everyone around me was, how they fought for me so I could stay up there in the front. This was way closer than Baltimore and my excitement grew, but I also knew what we were in for. Crowd surfers falling over my head, shoving, pushing, surges, pits close by... but we have done this before, front and center. I also figured that an all NIN crowd would be more respectful than the one in Baltimore who consisted of a bunch of different types of people. I thought it would become a family up there, everyone fighting for the same cause, like it was in Baltimore. Little did I know...

I tried to make friends with the people to my left and right. I told the guy next to me that I was thankful he was there. I talked to the tall girl, who simply called dibs on marrying Trent Reznor. Vic (not my father) was behind me talking up a storm to the guys back there. He also tried talking to the tall girl next to me who said in a snotty way "I wish you luck, man" but what do you want from someone who thinks Trent would marry them.

I feel I should say that I am a NIN fan to the core. 15+ years worth. Mr. Reznor is not my God or my Idol. I respect him far too much to give him silly labels like that. His music has been the soundtrack for half of my life. The ability to be close to him while he sings these songs that are so deeply ingrained in me is profound. I don't want to be close because I think he's sexy or because I think he'll fall in love and marry me. I don't want to touch him, yell things at him, throw shit at him, lick him or any other such nonsense. I do, however, want the connection that you can't get from across an arena.

His intro music came on and my nervousness and excitement was off the chart. He came blasting out ready to kick everyone's ass. The energy was insane. He scanned the front row while he sang. He paused on me. He wasn't looking over my head, to my right or my left... it was me. That one moment of connection, just a moment, is what I waited 15 years for and it finally happened. I teared up with joy and I had all I ever wanted right then. He kept his eyes on me at different periods through the first song. I know many, many fangirls always think the singer is looking at them. I'm aware of how it sounds. But from Mr. Reznor's perspective, there was an odd hole in front of him in the crowd. He would look to see why. He would see a small me right there.

The crowd, though moving, was just fine. I was just fine. I was in my bliss, happily singing along. Things stayed pretty okay until March of the Pigs when the giant shove happened and my knees implanted themselves into the barricade. The force caused me to bend at the waist and I bumped my chin off the barricade. Still, I was okay and not scared. I was, however, wondering what happened to fans who are a family and in it together. Everyone was simply for themselves, aside from a chosen few. The assholes overpowered things though. I've come to learn there was a "1-2-3-PUSH" thing going on and that's what I got directly on my knees. I read many complaints about people in the crowd being disrespectful. Pick-pockets, rude frat guys, guys pulling down girl's shirts.

During the chaos, I looked at Trent to see he was watching me. He sang, he performed but he also watched. He saw a problem and watched me until it was taken care of.

The decision to leave was because I feared the safety of my niece, not myself. I was fine. She took the brunt of the shove. We signaled and before I could even grab my own control box to move out of there,  I was through the crowd.

I read that someone said I looked "scared shitless" but I don't know when that could have been. Bewildered is what I think I was. Perhaps that person looked at me in the moment my knees got crushed, I don't know. Scared is not what I was. Happy, excited, in the moment... but not scared. I knew what I was getting into. It wasn't anybody's idea except my own.

Maybe it was stupid. That's up for debate. But you see, I am a firm believer in the universe. I believe things line up for a reason and when I see the opportunity to follow that flow, I do it. If there's one thing I have always had, it's balls. It's a gutsy, ballsy move to go against the grain and that's exactly what I did. I didn't roll over and submit when someone told me no. I demanded the same respect everyone else has and I did it with a smile. I thought other people would see that determination in me the evening of the show and that I deserved to be up there just like everyone else. Little did I know, I was seen as stupid and helpless, in the way and a problem. People thought it was Vic's call, thinking that I don't have a mind of my own. Not one person thought, "Wow that was stupid, but SHIT does that girl have balls!" No one.

After leaving the floor, I watched the rest of the show from the designated shit handicapped seats. This was, by far, the most emotional show I've been to. I connected, deeply. I would not, for any reason whatsoever, go back and change my actions. To those who were so very, VERY inconvienced because I was not where I belonged... suck my dick.

See you all in VA!

What are you looking forward to this week?

Two... yes, TWO (!!!) Nine Inch Nails shows.

And... turning 30.

I have finally accepted the number of years I have lived.

Because of a loving and brave old lady, one small 14 year old girl and one AMAZING protective stranger*... I was dead center in the front.

More @ Flickr.

*His name is Joe and I appreciate his existence more than I could say. There were many, many protective people surrounding me but Joe stands out for going above and beyond in the protective department. Special shout out to my small New Mexico resident named Monica. And a super "woo" to the security/people grabbers that constantly made sure no one kicked me in the head... especially bald dude who gave me an STP pick.

The past... forever since I've posted:

• I like bullet posts a whole lot more than real posts.
• I've been sick as a dog for two weeks straight with no relief.
• Saw a doctor.
• Took antibiotics.
• Hospitalization was discussed.
  
• Still sick, but a little better.
• No hospitalization so far.
  
• I have the brain of a 44 year old according to my DS.
• Bean has a new boyfriend.
• I've had multiple panic attacks over it.
• He's adorable though.
• She has good taste.
  
• I fell and busted my face when I was home alone.
• Blood galore because I bashed my lip opened.
• Bump on forehead from where I smacked my head.
• I got yelled at by a 14 year old for hurting myself.
• Had a big idea for a new website.
• Registered the domain over two weeks ago.
• Still haven't done shit with it.
• Semi-conned Vic into getting tickets to see NIN in Baltimore.
• THREE SHOWS!!!!
• That means I'm going!
• Made a Vox Group for other people who bullet point posts.
• Still haven't done shit to it.
• Landed a new job to start soon that pays well.
• Still working for my current rad boss who emails and tells me to make sure I take care of myself.
• He worries.
• Reconnected with a friend of mine.
• I love him to pieces.
• His girlfriend and I have the same name.
• My ex and him have the same name.
• Weird, huh?
• Saw Disturbed.
• Saw Kathy Griffin.
• Going to see a Soul's football game tomorrow.
  
• Despite being sick for this long, I have never been more thankful for my world exactly as it is right now.