The Biggest Fear

Tomorrow is when it finally happens. On my twitter I have been listing a few of my various fears from pooping my pants to crying in his presence. But there's one fear that tops them all.

What if, after this, I don't have anything else to look forward to?

I don't live and breath easily. Though I can remain one of those "in the moment" types of people it's still a struggle without having some kind of goal to exist for. The goal of meeting him has been one of my major drives for half of my life. His music has sung me through it and helped me keep focus.

Tomorrow the goal will be met with many nerves and tears. Tomorrow is also my tenth and final show. Though my family will be there with me, none of them truly understand how profound this will be for me. I am not just meeting a man who sang me through my life... I am facing the end of this thing that has kept me semi-stable all these years.

Yes, yes... what about Bean? I breathe for Bean. For her sanity. To keep her semi-stable. It's all for her, none of it is for me.

I rarely have good events that happen just for me. Most of my life has been seeing and making others happy. And I notice that when something for me finally does happen, the people around me resist it. I can probably count on one hand the times and people who REALLY wanted goodness for me in those moments.

Even with tomorrow. I'm a wreck about it. Nervous beyond words. I'm having panic attacks left and right all week long. I can barely hold onto myself. Do they see the nerves and anxiety? No. One is concerned with how this effects his work schedule. One called me a jerk for no reason whatsoever. And the other thinks I'm a nagging pain in the ass because stuff (not having to do with me) has to be done.

I am rarely a selfish person. I usually always look to someone else, see what's best for them and then go in that direction. My life is never about what I want, it's about making things easier for other people. When you rely on other people you tend to become agreeable just because it's easier. It's easy for people to take advantage of that, become unappreciative and get angry when I actually finally want to do something for me. That can hurt. Greatly. This show, meeting him, is something just for me. That fact displeases some.

I am aware that my nerves can make me crazy. I've been doing my very best. It isn't like I have cabinets full of drugs to help me through this. This is all on me. Keep steady. Breathe. Talk, don't yell. Plan. List. Twitter. Distract. Cry. Listen. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It's hard, very hard, to remain normal when all you EVER wanted is about to happen.

There is much to do and blogging has become painfully difficult for me now. Notice how nearly everything can be chopped into 140 bits? That is the curse of Twitter.

My point of this was:
What if there's nothing left to look forward to? That is my worst fear.